Phil from school’s blog

February 25, 2009

The Oscars

Filed under: Uncategorized — philfromschool @ 1:11 pm

Slumdog Millionaire is officialy the most overrated movie this year.  By winning 8 oscars (HOW??) last weekend it officially completed the “underdog” victory that nobody, and by nobody i mean EVERYONE expected.  This is my take on the awards and Slumdog Millionaire.

What Should Have Won (skipping some awards):

Best Animated Film:  Wall-E

They got this won right, as it would have been impossible to pick something else.  Maybe one of the best love stories every, and definently the best graphics made to date, Wall-E was an incredible film.  Thank you Andrew Stanton.

Best Original Score: Wall-E

I am pretty neutral about this won, Slumdog winning is fine to me, but I don’t remember anything in Slumdog, music wise, that I was particularly impressed by, whereas I remember Wall-E had a great score.

Best Makeup: Benjamin Button

HAD to have been this.  No way anyone else could have won.

Best Visual Effects: Benjamin Button

I only say this because the movie literally could not have been made without this technology, althought the Dark Knight was still fantastic in this regard.

Sound Editing: The Dark Knight

Why not?

Editing: The Dark Knight

Same with the best score, I recall some parts that were very well edited, whereas in Slumdog there was nothing that stood out.

Cinematography: The Dark Knight

Seriously?  Slumdog Millionaire?  There were some shots that were very good and well made, and some were very pretty, but the overall work was nothing spectacular.  Granted it wasnt possible in many of the indoors scene and the Who Wants to Be A Millionaire scenes, but the Dark Knight was visually a masterpiece, with several shots that not only conveyed the mood and themes of the movies, enhancing the story.  There were also some other shots that were really “cool” and very pleasing to watch (Batman in the interregation room when the light comes on behind the Joker).

Best Screenplay (Adapted): Benjamin Button

A spawling epic that embodies and humanifies a human with an impossible condition.  I can’t imagine how he went about writing this (whereas writing Slumdog was really easy) or how he managed to convey all those incredibly difficult themes, but he pulled it off.  Eric Roth is incredibly, and fully deserved this.

Best Screenplay (Original): Wall-E

What script?  Wall-E has no lines!  Well, there has to be a script.  Stanton didnt get greelighted by Lassiter and Pixar by having nothing.  The script is amazing.  It is all one lines, which perfectly show Wall-E and his grand adeventure.  Just reading it is like reading prose from the finest of Shakespearian writers.  It is a joy to read, and you can see more clearly some of the meanings of certain lines and actions.

Best Picture: The Dark Knight

This was one of those few movies that blew me away upon viewing it (as well as Memento, Casablanca, and Spirited Away).  EVERYTHING in it was spectacular.  This movie was nothing short of a masterpiece, a movie that future generations will watch and be in awe of.  It has no weaknesses.  It is impossible to critique (unless you are an idiot and dont know film at all).  It has lots of smart layers hidden beneath the surface that we can explore with our minds.  Then end is a perfect culmination of the work before it.  The characters play their part in the story perfectly.  It builds and falls perfectly.  The themes and meanings behind the actions are incredible.  It has one of the best endings in any movie ever (along with Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and The Shawshank Redemption).  It has several, and I mean several, scenes that are absolutely incredible for what they do, scenes that put you in awe.  It is incredibly intelligent, btu doesn’t act like it or ram it down your throat.  It is a perfect movie (as well as the three previously mentioned movies).  How this movie wasnt even nominated is an absolute shame on the academy, like what Shawshank didnt win a single award (it’s true, look it up).

Slumdog has many problems.  It doesnt build at fall as high as the Dark Knight.  It has no character development.  The plot is almost too implausible.  The love story is too forced.  I loves this movie, thought it was great, but the biggest problem with Slumdog was its ending.  What a horrible ending!  Are you kidding me???  (Spoilers) So he gets the question right on a guess, and happens to find his love.  Where is the final realization, the last victory??  Where is the payoff?  I have a better ending.  The theme of the movie is destiney.  The final question is on the Three Muskateers, the book he had when he was in school as a kid in the slums.  He should know the answer!!!  There is no reason he shouldnt!  But my ending will fiz all of those problems.  In class, Latika doesnt have the book, so he lends it to her.  That explains why he doesnt know it, and it shows how selfless he is.  It shows that he cares more about her than him.  In the end, he remembers that he gave it to her, and that is why he doesnt know the answer.  He talks to her on the phone (like in the movie), he doesnt know where she is, but has a guess.  He yells that the answer is “A” (like in the movie) and runs off, leaving everyone behind.  He will still get it right and win the million dollars, but that is not important to him.  Latika is.  He finds Latika while the rest of India celebrates his victory, and he instead celebrates with Latika.  Much better, and much less Hollywood.  Fix that ending, and the meaning is much deeper.  The depth of the movie was pretty lame, the themes are way too prevasive and not done in a unique enough way to be considered Best Picture (unlike the Dark Knight).  Love and destiney?  Leave that to Casablanca.


November 16, 2008

James Bond and the Quantum of Solace

Filed under: Uncategorized — philfromschool @ 11:31 am

Went to see the newest James Bond movie.  Like most other people, I had very high expectations, but for good reasons.  The trailer was very well made and made the movie look very unique, a continutation of the brilliant Casino Royale that this movie directly comes after.  Also, Casino Royale set the bar so high for a comtemporary Bond movie, it was hard not to expect something amazing.

I will try very hard not to ruin the movie for those who haven’t seen it, but I might let some slip.

But to put it simply, the movie is good, very good, but not as good as it could have, and should have been.  With the same screenwriting duo, and the mostly the same cast as the first one, all they had to do was keep the story moving forwards.  Unless I am mistaken, this movie starts about 20 minutes after Casino Royale ends.  The overall problems were with a very poor and shaky plot (that I would say is just a McGuffin to the theme of the movie), problems with almost all of the characters, many pointless action scenes that are over the top, and poor editing.

(WARNING: SPOILERS from here on out)I knew there would be problems when within the first 20 minutes of the movie, there was almost no plot, and 3 different types of chase scenes (that were all WAY over the top): first by car, then by foot, then by boat.  All of these were unnecessary, over the top, edited to be very choppy and vaugue, and rather discouraging.  The plot was absurd and very vague.  Apparently the screenwriters thought this noir style would keep the audience so keenly interested by reavealing nothing what was actually going on, that they could throw together lots of slick scenes, cryptic dialogue, and then throw some action on top of it to keep the audience guessing and amused.  There is also a bit of a throwback to Chinatown, with the movies “plot” about water (In this one, the evil Mr. Greene is unobtrusiving dealing with overthrowing the Peruvian Government and all he wants is a lifeless desert, then it turns out he is working with the CIA, then he is trying to make the world greener, then it turns out he wants the water underground, and is holding it from the thirsty locals, and then thats it).  The plot really has no point in the movie.  They don’t furthur it very well.  The characters do not care at all about the plot.  It doesn’t really make that much sense (they keep talking about oil for NO reason, unless they are setting something up for the next one).

The whole movie is James Bond getting over Vesper.  He can’t sleep.  He kills everyone and everything.  He messes up a lot because of it.  A good theme.  But there is no clear arch of his journey.  The plot needed to help his journey, but it didn’t.  It’s too seperate from Bond’s internal journey.  The payoff at the end is horrible.  What kind of ending is that?  What gets resolved?  We always knew Bond would end up ok, but the way it happened was so lame.

It also didnt help that the bond girl sucked, the one who had the russian accent.  Fields was ok, she was at least an interesting character.  And i understood the “damaged almost beyond repair” thing they were going for, but we already had that in Bond, and the two had no chemistry.  It was weak.  It was cool to see Mathis come back, but he wasn’t the same genuis accomplise to Bond that he was in Casino Royale, and seemed more forced into the movie than anything else.  He said “I hate this man, he imprisoned me.”  Next thing they are best friends and Mathis is essentially helping Bond when without him, Bond would have been screwed.

There was simply no drama, other than those crazy chase scenes.  They tried to trick us with a McGuffin plot, and tried to keep our interest by keeping it so vague.  That doesn’t work.  The characters were too flat.  The directing wasn’t too bad, etc.

But don’t make me sound like it was a horrible movie.  It was very fun and entertaining, it’s just way different from Casino Royale, especially in the things that made it so good, and so refreshing.  Lot’s of people will like it, but not love it and not know why.  Something is just missing from it, as you will soon see.

October 24, 2008

Last Post EVAR

Filed under: Uncategorized — philfromschool @ 12:20 am

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Two Children’s Characters the world could have done without

1.) Grimace- For starters, no one can describe what a Grimace is or how it fit into McDonald’s world takeover plans, but somehow “he” (I think) managed to get a free ride that makes Paris Hilton look like an 18th century Irish immigrant. While the Hamburgler showed just how desperate the corporate McDonald’s thinks people should be for affordable meat and Mayor McCheese stressed the importance of civic duty (and affordable meat), Grimace just managed to show up at whatever event was occurring and take advantage of the festivities; much like a wedding crasher, but with a severe case of jaundice. Such a gigantic and valueless mess could only come about in a McDonald’s marketing meeting that, most likely, just plain ran out of time, finishing with a conversation that probably went something like this:

“Alright, we’ve got five minutes to run this upstairs and fax it off to the executives. Do you think we’re missing anything?”

“Yeah, we need some happy fat guy to round out the demographics. Can I borrow that pen of yours?”

“It’s purple, is that okay?”

“Whatever. Just gonna draw him up now…….there. Just write down some name on your way up.”

And thus, 30 years later, a purple hump has become one of the world’s most recognizable images of obesity and confusion, confusion that plagues oh so many<; consumers.

Note: This entire list could actually be dedicated to McDonald’s kid’s characters (c’mon, making human-esque Birdie represent chicken nuggets is blatant cannibalism), but that’s too easy.

2.) Captain Planet – What better way to promote recycling than to sell it to an age group that is on the verge of tackling the ever important issue of addition vs. subtraction? Honestly, could there be a more misguided attempt at educating the masses about the environment? Although there is still the possibility that the Presidential debates will start being held on the Disney channel, there has yet to be a bigger target miss for a prime Saturday morning timeslot than Captain Planet. While everyone can agree that recycling is very important and useful in modern-day society, very few seven year olds have the capacity to understand the true impact and necessity of recycling, let alone them actually being able to recycle (how many times did you take out the trash after kickball?). This complete misfire of a ruined timeslot is the equivalent of the Red Cross sending calculus books to Africa in place of AIDS medication, only the Red Cross would probably feel terrible afterwards, whereas Ted Turner probably feels like he’s offsetting all that pain his wife brought this world. Yes, that’s right; THE Ted Turner created Captain Planet. A man known for his business savvy and failed marriages, Turner is clearly the guy you want shaping your kid’s undeveloped mind.

-THE Gary Payton

September 24, 2008

Fuck sperm banks and cut out the middle man

Spermination incomplete

Apparently like errybody’s already read this, making me the sibling of a friend of a potentially slightly famous nameless blogger.
Oh and I commented on the follow-up blog, so now I’m even slightly more potentially fractionally famous!


September 19, 2008


Filed under: Uncategorized — philfromschool @ 1:41 pm


September 6, 2008

This bike naturally runs off of dead Vietcong and sweats muscle milk.

Filed under: Uncategorized — philfromschool @ 12:31 pm

I feel like this ad was written by the people. Does no one remember that site? It gave my life meaning and possibly herpes.


September 3, 2008

Stuff White People Like

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — philfromschool @ 9:01 pm

Some friends and I were at the bookstore just looking around and found a book titled “Stuff White People Like” on one of the best-selling tables.  Heres the corresponding site.

Here’s the real look at Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — philfromschool @ 8:30 pm

I found this while browsing Digg. This is an e-mail from someone who knows Palin personally. I think its a great read to see what Palin is really like.  Sure everyone has some skeletons in their closet, but this is ridiculous.

About Sarah Palin: an e-mail from Wasilla

A suburban Anchorage homemaker and activist — who once did battle with the Alaska governor when Palin was mayor — recounts what she knows of Palin’s history.

By Anne Kilkenny

Editor’s note: The writer is a homemaker and education advocate in Wasilla, Alaska. Late last week, Anne Kilkenny penned an e-mail for her friends about vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, whom she personally knows, that has since circulated across comment forums and blogs nationwide. Here is her e-mail in its entirety, posted with her permission.

I am a resident of Wasilla, Alaska. I have known Gov. Sarah Palin since 1992. Everyone here knows Sarah, so it is nothing special to say we are on a first-name basis. Our children have attended the same schools. Her father was my child’s favorite substitute teacher. I also am on a first-name basis with her parents and mother-in-law. I attended more City Council meetings during her administration than about 99 percent of the residents of the city.

She is enormously popular; in every way she’s like the most popular girl in middle school. Even men who think she is a poor choice for vice president and won’t vote for her can’t quit smiling when talking about her because she is a “babe.”

It is astonishing and almost scary how well she can keep a secret. She kept her most recent pregnancy a secret from her children and parents for seven months.

She is “pro-life.” She recently gave birth to a Down’s syndrome baby. There is no cover-up involved here; Trig is her baby.

She is energetic and hardworking. She regularly worked out at the gym.

She is savvy. She doesn’t take positions; she just “puts things out there” and if they prove to be popular, then she takes credit.

Her husband works a union job on the North Slope for BP and is a champion snowmobile racer. Todd Palin’s kind of job is highly sought-after because of the schedule and high pay. He arranges his work schedule so he can fish for salmon in Bristol Bay for a month or so in summer, but by no stretch of the imagination is fishing their major source of income. Nor has her lifestyle ever been anything like that of native Alaskans.

Sarah and her whole family are avid hunters.

She’s smart.

Her experience is as mayor of a city with a population of about 5,000 (at the time) and less than two years as governor of a state with about 670,000 residents.

During her mayoral administration, most of the actual work of running this small city was turned over to an administrator. She had been pushed to hire this administrator by party power-brokers after she had gotten herself into some trouble over precipitous firings, which had given rise to a recall campaign.

Sarah campaigned in Wasilla as a “fiscal conservative.” During her six years as mayor, she increased general government expenditures by more than 33 percent. During those same six years, the amount of taxes collected by the city increased by 38 percent. This was during a period of low inflation (1996-2002). She reduced progressive property taxes and increased a regressive sales tax, which taxed even food. The tax cuts that she promoted benefitted large corporate property owners way more than they benefited residents.

The huge increases in tax revenue during her mayoral administration weren’t enough to fund everything on her wish list, though — borrowed money was needed, too. She inherited a city with zero debt but left it with indebtedness of more than $22 million. What did Mayor Palin encourage the voters to borrow money for? Was it the infrastructure that she said she supported? The sewage treatment plant that the city lacked? Or a new library? No. $1 million for a park. $15 million-plus for construction of a multi-use sports complex, which she rushed through, on a piece of property that the city didn’t even have clear title to. That was still in litigation seven years later — to the delight of the lawyers involved! The sports complex itself is a nice addition to the community but a huge money pit, not the profit-generator she claimed it would be. She also supported bonds for $5.5 million for road projects that could have been done in five to seven years without any borrowing.

While Mayor, City Hall was extensively remodeled and her office redecorated more than once.

These are small numbers, but Wasilla is a very small city.

As an oil producer, the high price of oil has created a budget surplus in Alaska. Rather than invest this surplus in technology that will make us energy independent and increase efficiency, as governor Sarah proposed distribution of this surplus to every individual in the state.

In this time of record state revenues and budget surpluses, she recommended that the state borrow/bond for road projects, even while she proposed distribution of surplus state revenue: Spend today’s surplus, borrow for needs.

She’s not very tolerant of divergent opinions or open to outside ideas or compromise. As mayor, she fought ideas that weren’t generated by her or her staff. Ideas weren’t evaluated on their merits but on the basis of who proposed them.

While Sarah was mayor of Wasilla, she tried to fire our highly respected city librarian because the librarian refused to consider removing from the library some books that Sarah wanted removed. City residents rallied to the defense of the city librarian and against Palin’s attempt at out-and-out censorship, so Palin backed down and withdrew her termination letter. People who fought her attempt to oust the librarian are on her enemies list to this day.

Sarah complained about the “old boy’s club” when she first ran for mayor, so what did she bring Wasilla? A new set of “old boys.” Palin fired most of the experienced staff she inherited. At the city and as governor, she hired or elevated new, inexperienced, obscure people, creating a staff totally dependent on her for their jobs and eternally grateful and fiercely loyal — loyal to the point of abusing their power to further her personal agenda, as she has acknowledged happened in the case of pressuring the state’s top cop.

As mayor, Sarah fired Wasilla’s police chief because he “intimidated” her, she told the press. As governor, her recent firing of Alaska’s top cop has the ring of familiarity about it. He served at her pleasure and she had every legal right to fire him, but it’s pretty clear that an important factor in her decision to fire him was because he wouldn’t fire her sister’s ex-husband, a state trooper. Under investigation for abuse of power, she has had to admit that more than two dozen contacts were made between her staff and family to the person that she later fired, pressuring him to fire her ex-brother-in-law. She tried to replace the man she fired with a man who she knew had been reprimanded for sexual harassment; when this caused a public furor, she withdrew her support.

She has bitten the hand of every person who extended theirs to her in help. The City Council person who personally escorted her around town, introducing her to voters when she first ran for Wasilla City Council became one of her first targets when she was later elected mayor. She abruptly fired her loyal city administrator; even people who didn’t like the guy were stunned by this ruthlessness.

Fear of retribution has kept all of these people from saying anything publicly about her.

When then-Gov. Frank Murkowski was handing out political plums, Sarah got the best, chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission — one of the few jobs not in Juneau and one of the best paid. She had no background in oil and gas issues. Within months of scoring this great job, which paid $122,400 a year, she was complaining in the press about the high salary. I was told that she hated that job: the commute, the structured hours, the work. Sarah became aware that a member of this commission (who was also the state chair of the Republican Party) engaged in unethical behavior on the job. In a gutsy move which some undoubtedly cautioned her could be political suicide, Sarah solved all her problems in one fell swoop: got out of the job she hated and garnered gobs of media attention as the patron saint of ethics and as a gutsy fighter against the “old boys’ club,” when she dramatically quit, exposing this man’s ethics violations (for which he was fined).

As mayor, she had her hand stuck out as far as anyone for pork from Sen. Ted Stevens. Lately, she has castigated his pork-barrel politics and publicly humiliated him. She only opposed the “bridge to nowhere” after it became clear that it would be unwise not to.

As governor, she gave the Legislature no direction and budget guidelines, then made a big grandstand display of line-item vetoing projects, calling them pork. Public outcry and further legislative action restored most of these projects — which had been vetoed simply because she was not aware of their importance — but with the unobservant she had gained a reputation as “anti-pork.”

She is solidly Republican: no political maverick. The state party leaders hate her because she has bit them in the back and humiliated them. Other members of the party object to her self-description as a fiscal conservative.

Around Wasilla, there are people who went to high school with Sarah. They call her “Sarah Barracuda” because of her unbridled ambition and predatory ruthlessness. Before she became so powerful, very ugly stories circulated around town about shenanigans she pulled to be made point guard on the high school basketball team. When Sarah’s mother-in-law, a highly respected member of the community and experienced manager, ran for mayor, Sarah refused to endorse her.

As governor, she stepped outside of the box and put together of package of legislation known as “AGIA” that forced the oil companies to march to the beat of her drum.

Like most Alaskans, she favors drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR). She has questioned if the loss of sea ice is linked to global warming. She campaigned “as a private citizen” against a state initiaitive that would have either protected salmon streams from pollution from mines or tied up in the courts all mining in the state (depending on whom you listen to). She has pushed the state’s lawsuit against the Department of the Interior’s decision to list polar bears as a threatened species.

McCain is the oldest person to ever run for president; Sarah will be a heartbeat away from being president.

There has to be literally millions of Americans who are more knowledgeable and experienced than she.

However, there are a lot of people who have underestimated her and are regretting it.

Claim vs. Fact

  • “Hockey mom”: True for a few years
  • “PTA mom”: True years ago when her first-born was in elementary school, not since
  • “NRA supporter”: Absolutely true
  • Social conservative: mixed. Opposes gay marriage, but vetoed a bill that would have denied benefits to employees in same-sex relationships (said she did this because it was unconsitutional).
  • Pro-creationism: Mixed. Supports it, but did nothing as governor to promote it.
  • “Pro-life”: Mixed. Knowingly gave birth to a Down’s syndrome baby but declined to call a special legislative session on some pro-life legislation.
  • “Experienced”: Some high schools have more students than Wasilla has residents. Many cities have more residents than the state of Alaska. No legislative experience other than City Council. Little hands-on supervisory or managerial experience; needed help of a city administrator to run town of about 5,000.
  • Political maverick: Not at all.
  • Gutsy: Absolutely!
  • Open and transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not good at explaining actions.
  • Has a developed philosophy of public policy: No.
  • “A Greenie”: No. Turned Wasilla into a wasteland of big box stores and disconnected parking lots. Is pro-drilling off-shore and in ANWR.
  • Fiscal conservative: Not by my definition!
  • Pro-infrastructure: No. Promoted a sports complex and park in a city without a sewage treatment plant or storm drainage system. Built streets to early 20th century standards.
  • Pro-tax relief: Lowered taxes for businesses, increased tax burden on residents
  • Pro-small government: No. Oversaw greatest expansion of city government in Wasilla’s history.
  • Pro-labor/pro-union: No. Just because her husband works union doesn’t make her pro-labor. I have seen nothing to support any claim that she is pro-labor/pro-union.

Why am I writing this?

First, I have long believed in the importance of being an informed voter. I am a voter registrar. For 10 years I put on student voting programs in the schools. If you google my name, you will find references to my participation in local government, education, and PTA/parent organizations.

Secondly, I’ve always operated in the belief that “bad things happen when good people stay silent.” Few people know as much as I do because few have gone to as many City Council meetings.

Third, I am just a housewife. I don’t have a job she can bump me out of. I don’t belong to any organization that she can hurt. But I am no fool; she is immensely popular here, and it is likely that this will cost me somehow in the future: that’s life.

Fourth, she has hated me since back in 1996, when I was one of the 100 or so people who rallied to support the city librarian against Sarah’s attempt at censorship.

Fifth, I looked around and realized that everybody else was afraid to say anything because they were somehow vulnerable.

Caveats: I am not a statistician. I developed the numbers for the increase in spending and taxation two years ago (when Palin was running for governor) from information supplied to me by the finance director of the City of Wasilla, and I can’t recall exactly what I adjusted for: Did I adjust for inflation? For population increases? Right now, it is impossible for a private person to get any info out of City Hall — they are swamped. So I can’t verify my numbers.

You may have noticed that there are various numbers circulating for the population of Wasilla, ranging from my “about 5,000” up to 9,000. The day Palin’s selection was announced, a city official told me that the current population is about 7,000. The official 2000 census count was 5,460. I have used about 5,000 because Palin was Mayor from 1996 to 2002, and the city was growing rapidly in the mid-1990s.

Anne Kilkenny is a homemaker and education advocate in Wasilla, Alaska.

Most of this blog has been on a lighter note, but I figure that we might as well spread what I see as the real truth.

A lesson in picking up chicks

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — philfromschool @ 5:13 pm

When picking up chicks, it’s best to grab them around the waist and lift upwards. Grabbing their boobs and getting a boner works too.


September 2, 2008

Concert Etiquette

Filed under: Uncategorized — philfromschool @ 7:21 pm

Rules for all you fools who need to go to (concert attendance) school(s). Jewel. And just some notes about how to (generally) not to suck at a show.

People who show up ten minutes prior to the the opening act: You are not going to get to the front. Wanting it isn’t enough, you actually have to not be a dick and stand in line to really get it. ALSO, Couples: You, more than anyone else, are not reaching the front. Dude, nobody cares that your girlfriend cries and “just forgets the world” every time Snow Patrol plays ‘Chasing Cars.’ Anyway, you don’t want to be there when the moshing starts and every dude there is copping a feel, and by copping a feel, I mean elbows her in the face.

Live journal wrist-cutting fans: If security tells us to sit, that means DO NOT start a stampede to the front so you can get molested by that peculiar mix of acne-ridden fifteen year-olds and unshowered diehards who cry when Ben Gibbard crescendos in Soul Meets Body.

-side note: Little children: Don’t crowd surf at Death Cab for Cutie. It not only confuses every person there over age 18 (including the band), it will end up being your first sexual experience in a very awkward and unwanted way for everyone involved.

Under no circumstances is throwing shit onstage okay. Don’t look at me like I ruined your night when security is yelling out for who threw their Purple Fanta and me, along with everyone else in a ten foot radius, is pointing at you.

When the lead singer crowd surfs, touching him is not going to give you magical powers, so stop charging towards him like you’re Peter Parker and he’s the ‘roid infected spider, or whatever gave him his confidence to finally ask out Kirsten Dunst.

Fighting someone for the drummer’s sticks at the end of the show will only get you into an even bigger fight with the security guard that doesn’t like the band he just sat through two hours of, making it even more likely that you will wish you had got even more drunk than you are so you won’t feel what it’s like to be come within inches of your life. Plus, security will give the sticks to someone else, asshole.

Dude, of course people are smoking weed, you’re at a Radiohead concert. If it makes you uncomfortable, move. Or, just try to feel cool for a second, because no one else from the Model UN club you run in your basement will see you there (except maybe the Netherlands).

When the shut-eyed fool in front of you says, “I’m going to puke,” you need to make sure everyone in a ten foot radius heard him, and you need push them behind as quickly as possible. There’s no joke here; you just get to take their spot in get a little closer, while also getting rid of the wasted dumbfuck who thinks every chick around him finds his “one time at Lenny Kravitz” story as compelling as a Dan Brown best-seller.

You’re not going to get laid at this show. But if you do, make sure to visit this site after.

Young’ins: I will not give you some of my drink. I paid for it/snuck it in fair and square. Go get the 30 year old dude wearing Risky Business shades and a “spring break Cabo ’95” shirt at the bar to buy you one. If you’re lucky, he’ll even let you crash at his studio apartment and will regale you with tales of him and his coworkers popping shrooms during their lunch breaks at Walgreen’s.

And finally, to all the fanboys out there, you are not better than us just because you get an erection every time you find an obscure b-sides in the depths of the blogosphere. I might not know every word of every song the band plays, but I still enjoy the music and am standing just as close as you, so please tone down the snobbery and just let me enjoy jumping up and down or singing along with the chorus of their smash hit.

THERE. I needed to get that out of my system after surviving Bumbershoot 2008, which was awesome by the way. Thank you.


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